I try to keep this blog more about my art, but sometimes, especially when I can not sleep, I don't know what else to do with my feelings. At this late an hour, I can not leave my apartment, I feel trapped. I can't escape. Being unable to sleep is sometimes the worse of punishments because there are so few distractions at such the wee hours of the morning. There is very little to watch on TV, few people awake to call or IM, few new posts or updates on FB and no where to go, especially safely when you are a 22 year old woman living in a small sketchy town.
So what to do? Nothing. I am left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are all consumed with him. I seem to have become so apathetic to anything not having to do with him.
Even when guys show interest in me, I can't help but constantly fall back on my love for him and think how I would much rather be with him, loving him and more importantly- his.
I am not really into POP Music, but there is one song in that particular lackluster genre of music that makes me think of him, and that is "If I were a boy" by Beyonce. I feel like we both endured the same intensity, we both loved and lost, so why am I the one here in all this pain, and he is fine, among his friends, sleeping with others girls happy and ok.
Oh, how I long to be ok.
"If I were a boy, I'd listen to her, cause I know how it hurts. When you lose the one you wanted cause he's taken you for granted and everything you had got destroyed." --- True, very true. Well sung B.
I want so badly to move forward, everyone keeps saying, oh when you want to move on, you will! Are you FUCKING kidding me!? I want to move on so badly, I want to move forward, I don't want to be in pain! I want to fall out of love with him, and in love with someone who actually fucking cares and misses me when I'm gone. Obviously that is NOT happening. For anyone who thinks I am continuing to make myself feel this way on fucking purpose, you are insane and stupid. I want to let this go, obviously I can't. There is clearly something bigger going on here.
A good friend of mine recommended to me that I should write every single time I feel enraged or depressed about him, and I haven't done so. But you know what? It was probably good advice, because it is much better I get those feelings OUT somewhere than harbor them.
He sucks. I hate him. Mature and untrue, I know. But it makes me feel better to write that he SUCKS, even though he totally doesn't.
Fuck this, it didn't help but at least maybe when I write my memoir,I can just draw on these blog entries and piece together my story more easily and accurately, especially since as of late, I am simply going through the motions of my days without much awareness.
Goodnight to all my little blog readers,
Until next time- thanks for reading another "peace" of Pandora.
-- Pandora <3
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