Ok, really Dolce & Gabbana? Was this necessary to convey to us that you make fantastic clothing? Because, actually the only people really modeling clothing, which would be the purpose of an AD for designers, right? Well, the only men advertising clothing are in the background. In the foreground what do we have? Glorified rape! YAY! Not. How is this ok? And I am not a prude, trust me, but come on really? This is one of the most blatant sexist ads I have ever seen. If she looked any more passive and the men any more active, and if a naked man holding down an unwilling looking woman clad scantily is not an image of exploitation, dominance and glorified rape, I just don't know what is. Not cool Dolce & Gabbana, not cool at all. Luckily, I believe, this AD got pulled because it was so offensive. Which is cool, yay, one AD gone, but come on people think about how many more still exist. And don't say I am being a prissy feminist or whatever, because the truth is, whether you define yourself as a feminist or not, liberal or conservative, democrat or republican, you should not want children (or adults for that matter) to be exposed to ADS like this one that basically tell young girls that there only choices and roles in life are those of submission and sex slave, and she better do it while she looks damn hot. It might not seem like a big deal, one AD, but think about how much these images appear to us, billboards, magazines, TV, the aisle at the supermarket, drugstore, etc., its like you can't escape sometimes! And young children are like sponges, they absorb everything, so be careful about what you complain about and don't, because it all matters. Take a stand so the children of tomorrow don't have to feel sexploited the way the women of yesterday and today did and do. 

Brief Response to "Appetites"

In reading this I was most struck by something that Knapp brings up in the first chapter.

She mentions "the tyranny of freedom" as coined by Barry Schwartz (p. 45) and goes on to discuss that indeed in contrast to the oppression out mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers before us faced, this new found freedom, with its infinite possibilities that are being offered to women, can actually liberating as it may be, feel overwhelming and oppressive to many of us third wave feminists. Instead of women's lives being carved out with an acceptable path from the beginning, women are offered choices and thus there are numerous acceptable paths which she could chose to go down. This is liberating, yes, and what our foremothers hoped for, but for us living it, we can feel overwhelmed by these immense opportunities and perhaps even a little bit lost under the pressure of being given these opportunities and deciding how best to move forward with them. Selfish? Perhaps, but true? Yes.

I also very much enjoyed her second chapter which narrowed in more closely on her family situation and even more specifically her relationship with her mother. Brumberg also looked closely at the family structure and its role with eating disorders and young girls, and it seems to be the trend, that cliche, but clearly very true, many of young girls are constantly seeking approval and affirmation from their mothers no matter whether their relationship with their mother be a positive or negative influence in their life.

Knapp also tackles appetites and eating disorders in the bigger sense, within society. She illustrates some of the conflicting associations linked with women and eating, as women are expected to not want or desire, and to also be waif like and thin, thus comes their, seemingly inevitable struggle, when they do in fact desire, and that desire often does manifest itself in food form. She does a good job illustrating both with her own inner struggle and the examples of other women she uses, to show the inner struggle, confusion, fear and ultimate guilt women feel because of, over and for food.

"Queer Studies"

I found this collection of articles particularly fascinating, especially the first two "Beauty Mandates" by Myers, Taub, Morris and Rothblum and "Resistance and Reinsciption" by Auerbach and Bradley, as both these two articles had a more specific focus on Lesbian women and their relationship with body image and body ideals.

In the first article, research is presented to us stating that young girls despite what sexual orientation they embrace as adults, are all socialized and condition the same way as children, which is to be very aware of their bodies, and very critical of their outer beauty as they are being told that it is their outer beauty that determines there worth as people. And with this research the assertion is made that despite whether a woman is gay or straight these values and ideals are SO culturally ingrained within women, that they are hard to shake off.

The article ponders whether Lesbian women who come out of the closet are actually freed and liberated from the chains of beauty ideals.

Through a series of interviews, we see that while some women did in fact feel empowered to come out as lesbians and abadon traditional "feminine" ways of dressing, even for lesbians and within the Lesbian community, there are a strict set of norms and standards that lesbians have to abide by.

I would even argue that it is twice as hard for gay women (or men) because they feel the pressure from two cultures, gay culture and straight culture. It is as if if they fit into one, they are accused by the other as not embracing their homosexuality, and if they fit into the homosexual culture, there are still norms and standards to abide by, SO they are still conforming and succumbing, they are not really "free."

On page 18, research is cited by Brand, Rothum and Solomon that I found particularly interesting as they make a link and association between attracting men and thinness. "...heterosexual women and gay men-both groups of people concerned with attracting men-reported lower body weights and more weight preoccupation that heterosexual men and lesbians-groups not concerned with attracting men." (Beauty Mandates, p. 18-19)

The pressure to be thin then, may not be gendered, but could it in fact be linked to your sexual preference? And I wonder, does it go back to very traditional stereotypical roles of partners in which the dominant one, typically the male, is bigger and the submissive one, (typically the women) is small? Thus, in finding a partner, gay men and women, since they are seeking men, and men are the dominant members of our society, we feel we have to be smaller... more invisible.. literally take up less space and room?

Also on page 21, something is brought up that I would like to question. They are making assertions about the history of lesbianism and how women were dressing in the 20's all the way though the 90's. They make a statement on page 21 about how younger lesbians felt it was harder to fit in while older lesbians said that it was easier and linked this with an explanation to the decades in which the two generations were living. I argue however, that this is an age issue. I believe that with the more life experience you have, the older you become, the more self aware and self confident you are, thus I link these young girls insecurities with their age, not with the generation and time in which they are living. I can not imagine being a Lesbian was easier in the 50's than it is now, and thus link this comfort level with age and self confidence.

Also on page 20, I think it is important to discuss the standards lesbians set within their own Lesbian communities about the acceptable ways to dress and appear. The "Butch/femme" code seemed to cause misfits and unacceptable for women even within Lesbian communities. They even had a term "kiki" (unfavorable) for women they could not identify as butch or femme, indicating that just as in straight culture, people do not accept and are wary of that which they can not immediately label and understand, and that goes for both straight and gay culture.

Another problem within the lebsian community, is for more feminine lesbians, or a popular term now is lipstick Lesbian, they are made fun of and ostracize by more butch lesbians who say they are trying to come off as straight. It is as though the butch lesbians who undeniably get called "dyke" more often and are treated more poorly because their sexual orientation is more obvious, are angered by the feminine lesbians who avoid the suffering they do by appearing more feminine. "Femmes are not accepted because they're treated as if they are trying to pass as straight. Femme lesbians may become invisible in Lesbian culture." (Mandates, p. 23)

In the second article through a series of ten interviews of Lesbian or bisexual women of carrying age and color, I found it fascinating to read the different ways in which coming out helped empower and heal women. The one woman who talks about her huge breasts that she felt she needed to hide with ugly bras, and then celebrated when her girlfriend took her shopping for lacy bras was of particular heartwarming interest to me. I felt as though sometimes as a straight feminist, I look at a lacy bra and think really what is the point of this article, a bra should just be a bra, a garmet used to support and hold your breasts in place, however, i realized for this Lesbian who had been told by society, sports teams and her mother that her breasts were something to be ashamed of and hidden, this lacy girly feminine article of clothing was liberating and a fantastic symbol of loving your body and rejecting body images, demands and ideals.

These articles, especially with the honesty of the women who describe their insecurities and how coming out helped them deal with body image only showed me how personal body image is for every woman, and how every woman will choose to deal with her personal insecurity or issue in its own way. Just as it is impossible for their to be one beauty standard demanded of us by mainstream pop-culture, it is impossible for their to be only one "non-standard". Each women is going to have to embrace her body and the way she chooses to celebrate it on her own terms.

Me x3three

Will I ever be whole again?

I try to keep this blog more about my art, but sometimes, especially when I can not sleep, I don't know what else to do with my feelings. At this late an hour, I can not leave my apartment, I feel trapped. I can't escape. Being unable to sleep is sometimes the worse of punishments because there are so few distractions at such the wee hours of the morning. There is very little to watch on TV, few people awake to call or IM, few new posts or updates on FB and no where to go, especially safely when you are a 22 year old woman living in a small sketchy town.

So what to do? Nothing. I am left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are all consumed with him. I seem to have become so apathetic to anything not having to do with him.

Even when guys show interest in me, I can't help but constantly fall back on my love for him and think how I would much rather be with him, loving him and more importantly- his.

I am not really into POP Music, but there is one song in that particular lackluster genre of music that makes me think of him, and that is "If I were a boy" by Beyonce. I feel like we both endured the same intensity, we both loved and lost, so why am I the one here in all this pain, and he is fine, among his friends, sleeping with others girls happy and ok.

Oh, how I long to be ok.

"If I were a boy, I'd listen to her, cause I know how it hurts. When you lose the one you wanted cause he's taken you for granted and everything you had got destroyed." --- True, very true. Well sung B.

I want so badly to move forward, everyone keeps saying, oh when you want to move on, you will! Are you FUCKING kidding me!? I want to move on so badly, I want to move forward, I don't want to be in pain! I want to fall out of love with him, and in love with someone who actually fucking cares and misses me when I'm gone. Obviously that is NOT happening. For anyone who thinks I am continuing to make myself feel this way on fucking purpose, you are insane and stupid. I want to let this go, obviously I can't. There is clearly something bigger going on here.

A good friend of mine recommended to me that I should write every single time I feel enraged or depressed about him, and I haven't done so. But you know what? It was probably good advice, because it is much better I get those feelings OUT somewhere than harbor them.

He sucks. I hate him. Mature and untrue, I know. But it makes me feel better to write that he SUCKS, even though he totally doesn't.

Fuck this, it didn't help but at least maybe when I write my memoir,I can just draw on these blog entries and piece together my story more easily and accurately, especially since as of late, I am simply going through the motions of my days without much awareness.

Goodnight to all my little blog readers,

Until next time- thanks for reading another "peace" of Pandora.

-- Pandora <3

A triad of Sunsets.

The Road less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

.

Master Craft

"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master."

A day at the Market

Dream to Despair or Despair to Dream

The opposite of nightmare isn't dream, it's truth. 

&

The opposite of dream is despair. 

Disgust with Apartheid

South Africa produced The Group Areas act in 1950, which “allocates the residential land in white South Africa for the use of each racial group.” South African law dictated that no one may reside in a place other than his or her given group area , implementing severe segregation among the black and white South Africans. In 1991, the South African government began to repeal the land acts, which reserved some areas for white Africans and some for black Africans, and the group areas act, “the territorial or spatial arrangements of apartheid are slated to be demolished.” These official laws that are racist in intention do not even reflect the social and cultural oppression that rose out of the apartheid. The violence, disrespect, hatred and racism that raged against Black South Africans by the White South African Minority and government was appalling, alarming and a true example of an undemocratic government where the minority rules the majority.

The Western world began to give attention to South Africa and considered it a problem, but why? Grundy argues that “part of what made South African policies a global issue was that the country was swimming against the current of universal values…the South African government was beginning to systematize and rationalize the racial basis of its power and the rest of the world were declaring racism evil.” South Africa was also “on the agenda” for the United States especially as there was economic interest, between trade and over 350 major corporate investments; South Africa held an economic interest for the United States.

The United States efforts in ending South African apartheid were lackluster and disappointing. More was done on a civilian level, such as economic divestment by colleges and churches, than on a government level. “Despite its role as a world leader, the U.S until recently only played a secondary role in pressuring South Africa…this mounting opposition was not unidirectional. There were spells, under Nixon and Reagan, during which the U.S experiences major lapses…there had been a reticence to identify with Pretoria’s most vocal and militant enemies.” Grundy argues that due to the United State’s lackluster policies and lax attitude towards South African Apartheid, could reflect support in a sense, of the white dominated and supported government and the institution of apartheid itself.

Eventually, the Western world, including the US began a more uniform and pressured attempt to cease apartheid as an institution. Encouraging civilians not to travel to South Africa, urging people to break diplomatic ties, terminating international facilities for South African planes and ships, were just some of the security council’s policies implemented to end apartheid. In 1963, the Security Council passed the S.C Res 181, which called “for a ban on the sales of arms to South Africa.” The United States also took more individualized actions to show its rejection of apartheid by closing down their NASA defense port in Johannesburg and by not allowing “U.S Naval Vessels to berth in South Africa, or have their Naval sailors take shore leave in South African ports.”

Though Apartheid has ended in South Africa, its violence, poverty and deaths had eternal lasting effects on those who lived through the reign of white domination in which even the police endangered and killed black Africans. The United States lackluster attempt to aid Black South Africans and terminate apartheid as an institution only reveals two things, the economic and the racial factor. The economic factor clearly played a role in the interest and attention given to South Africa, especially due to the fact that other countries who face similar problems of racial segregation and violence such as Uganda, Lebanon and Cambodia, have not gained as much attention or aid. The race factor is that those other countries have mostly if not all entirely black populations. Seemingly, the white presence in South Africa and the economic trade it held for the United States played a huge role in the United States participation to end Apartheid.

There should have been a more major and severe economic divestment to weaken the government and display the United States rejection of apartheid. Though it is difficult to undo segregation, attempts should have been made early on by the U.S government to force the African government into signed legal documents permitting equal housing opportunities for all. Similarly, an employment act in which jobs were made available to all was needed. Violence also needed to be addressed, as the white police were no help, but rather an aid, to the killing of black South Africans. Police should have been discharged and imprisoned until trial for any racial based violence without probable cause.

U.S efforts could have been stronger, more unified and more demanding of the South African government, however the fact that the U.S was involved at all with South Africa and not with other crisis countries, such as Uganda and Cambodia and until recently, the Sudan, begs the question of where their priorities lie. Why does America get involved so late in the crisis, yet cry that it a crime against humanity…was it not a crime against humanity the moment it began? Though it is sometimes seen as out of place, for a foreign country to step in and declare that what one country is doing is wrong, the universal code of ethics needs to be upheld. If a country does not uphold these acts, they should be held responsible and accountable. Genocide should not be allowed by the U.S or anyone to go on as long as it did in the Sudan, before U.S involvement, and even now, the attempt is lackluster at best. A universal code of ethics of what every single person in the world is entitled to, needs to be written, agreed upon and signed and then aggressively upheld in order to ensure the right to live, which every man, woman and child, is entitled to. There needs to not just be an economic interest, or a reputation interest, but a genuine concern for the good and fairness for all humanity because only if people generally care, will policies be enforced and peace upheld.

Soak the Sun Through

As the Quiet Settles

Solitude sleeps soundly on my heart

And holding out an empty hang to you, I watch you look away

You place your back to me to paint

And I sit and watch as I reminisce of days more blissful

The epistemic of your cynicism is wearing thin

And in dubious solace I wonder if you even know what morale is 

This heavy heart use to exist on hope alone

But a more substantial reason for beating is in require

I see your baffled eyes in the mirror

Unable to recognize even that of what is to be the most familiar 

Man may be blind but you are the one who cannot see

Can you derive anything if you defy even the most basic of your senses?

I sit in patience as you paint

And watch you color the sky black

You place seven daisies in a row along the sea

And I smile in liking to your contentment

I have a silly urge to play like children

To splatter pink paint among your cheeks

But that time has passed

And longing is of the most wasteful now

The daisies are a sign of hope though, I think

I close my eyes for an instant in hope of rescue

But when I open my eyes again you are gone

And I see you've painted the daisies black. 

Locate. Eviscerate. Annihilate

Eviscerate the very fiber of my being that weakens me to the point of my demise. 

Locate, Eviscerate, Annihilate. 

Watch the weakened organ wither slowly to it's demise, throbbing immensely at first, 

& then

slowly, slowly it begins to fade. . . 

Fade into a memory of what we used to be and never will become. 

The Heights of greatness for which we were destined won't ever be reached due to reasons unexplained, unbeknownst, undiscovered. 

But how will I survive, she wonders, if he takes my most vital organ?

How will I go on breathing, being? 

Will I throw out the slept in sheets, never drive with the windows down again...

Will I cease to exist, to be...

will I cease to be without him? 

There really is only one elucidation. 

Locate, Eviscerate, Annihilate. 

Destroy. 

Train Tracks Across Your Back

Like Train Tracks trailed across your back 

I trace my fingers along the scars

A path of welcomed torture

A Symbol of the embraced tenure 

I trace my fingers in circles along the paths as you sleep

And wonder how we went so far so fast

So long a distance from a place of simplistic repartee

Of first kisses and school dances 

I can't stop staring at the picture on your desk

In the frame you replaced of me with him

My eyes linger on his that are not on you

A blank stare into space in a photo devoid of reverence 

I let the tears from my eyes slide slowly from my cheeks to your back 

Hoping somehow the salty tears can heal the pain

Close the cuts

Erase the scars

but in my tear stained entanglement 

I know my efforts are in a hopeless waste

You are his now as he has marked upon your skin

And I can never save you

You want him

And he reciprocates by possession and symbols

The Symbols he leaves across your skin

The marks and cuts he makes and can never take back 

Train tracks cut across your back 

And I cry

I cry and I try in a wasted attempt to wash them away

And take them all back 

Take back the horrid train tracks marked in loathing across your back

Forever Means For Now

In the absence of your virtue

I feel myself tumbling

In all directions, I am sailing

And I can't seem to keep myself centered in this truth

Taking Chances?

This is not a chance, it is a reality

A reality suffocating with flagrant solitude

A reality that chokes me cold and lonely

When you took everything away

And you did take everything away

The same day you walked away

I chose between the two

I chose and it was you

But then you didn't choose me too

And now I am here without you

Gasping for air, answers and reconciliation

Reaching out to no ones hand with meaningless unreturned anticipation

I find myself staying up days and nights in cycles

Simply so I don't have to close my eyes and see your face dancing behind my eyelids

And I find myself immersed in meaningless tasks to try and forget your smile

Your eyes, Your Words, Your Touch

That perfect touch...

But mostly I find myself wishing

Wishing so very much

That I was good enough for you

Or in the very least, enough. 

Auxesia

Oh Little Auxesia

You always were a self-determined one

The Kind of child even parent's fear

Fear of being unable to satisfy the sort of hunger that no sustenance can claim

I remember I used to lay my head to your chest and listen to the rhythmic beating

like the soft pitter patter of the rain

I remember watching you as you painted your face in blues and pinks

and wore shoes so high

I remember clinging to you in the night as terrors crept into my dreams

I remember your soothing lullaby

I think often of the smile you would place in order to sooth my discomfort 

and the cookie you would sneak upstairs for a special treat

I remember finding you there

Dried blood underneath your nose

The Window open

With small swift wind breathing the air you no longer would

And I remember my screaming. 

The sound will echo through the deepest chamber of my soul for all eternity. 

And now I watch as mother holds you

Screaming and clutching as though the tighter she holds, the more likely it is you can return to us

But we always knew you would do this didn't we?

We always knew the end would come for you when you decided .

Self determined Auxesia. 

I watch you lay to rest now

A chain of red marks bruise your neck

And as a tear rolls down my cheek

I look at your small hands and wonder who has painted your nails.