Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Will I ever be whole again?
I try to keep this blog more about my art, but sometimes, especially when I can not sleep, I don't know what else to do with my feelings. At this late an hour, I can not leave my apartment, I feel trapped. I can't escape. Being unable to sleep is sometimes the worse of punishments because there are so few distractions at such the wee hours of the morning. There is very little to watch on TV, few people awake to call or IM, few new posts or updates on FB and no where to go, especially safely when you are a 22 year old woman living in a small sketchy town.
So what to do? Nothing. I am left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are all consumed with him. I seem to have become so apathetic to anything not having to do with him.
Even when guys show interest in me, I can't help but constantly fall back on my love for him and think how I would much rather be with him, loving him and more importantly- his.
I am not really into POP Music, but there is one song in that particular lackluster genre of music that makes me think of him, and that is "If I were a boy" by Beyonce. I feel like we both endured the same intensity, we both loved and lost, so why am I the one here in all this pain, and he is fine, among his friends, sleeping with others girls happy and ok.
Oh, how I long to be ok.
"If I were a boy, I'd listen to her, cause I know how it hurts. When you lose the one you wanted cause he's taken you for granted and everything you had got destroyed." --- True, very true. Well sung B.
I want so badly to move forward, everyone keeps saying, oh when you want to move on, you will! Are you FUCKING kidding me!? I want to move on so badly, I want to move forward, I don't want to be in pain! I want to fall out of love with him, and in love with someone who actually fucking cares and misses me when I'm gone. Obviously that is NOT happening. For anyone who thinks I am continuing to make myself feel this way on fucking purpose, you are insane and stupid. I want to let this go, obviously I can't. There is clearly something bigger going on here.
A good friend of mine recommended to me that I should write every single time I feel enraged or depressed about him, and I haven't done so. But you know what? It was probably good advice, because it is much better I get those feelings OUT somewhere than harbor them.
He sucks. I hate him. Mature and untrue, I know. But it makes me feel better to write that he SUCKS, even though he totally doesn't.
Fuck this, it didn't help but at least maybe when I write my memoir,I can just draw on these blog entries and piece together my story more easily and accurately, especially since as of late, I am simply going through the motions of my days without much awareness.
Goodnight to all my little blog readers,
Until next time- thanks for reading another "peace" of Pandora.
-- Pandora <3
So what to do? Nothing. I am left alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts are all consumed with him. I seem to have become so apathetic to anything not having to do with him.
Even when guys show interest in me, I can't help but constantly fall back on my love for him and think how I would much rather be with him, loving him and more importantly- his.
I am not really into POP Music, but there is one song in that particular lackluster genre of music that makes me think of him, and that is "If I were a boy" by Beyonce. I feel like we both endured the same intensity, we both loved and lost, so why am I the one here in all this pain, and he is fine, among his friends, sleeping with others girls happy and ok.
Oh, how I long to be ok.
"If I were a boy, I'd listen to her, cause I know how it hurts. When you lose the one you wanted cause he's taken you for granted and everything you had got destroyed." --- True, very true. Well sung B.
I want so badly to move forward, everyone keeps saying, oh when you want to move on, you will! Are you FUCKING kidding me!? I want to move on so badly, I want to move forward, I don't want to be in pain! I want to fall out of love with him, and in love with someone who actually fucking cares and misses me when I'm gone. Obviously that is NOT happening. For anyone who thinks I am continuing to make myself feel this way on fucking purpose, you are insane and stupid. I want to let this go, obviously I can't. There is clearly something bigger going on here.
A good friend of mine recommended to me that I should write every single time I feel enraged or depressed about him, and I haven't done so. But you know what? It was probably good advice, because it is much better I get those feelings OUT somewhere than harbor them.
He sucks. I hate him. Mature and untrue, I know. But it makes me feel better to write that he SUCKS, even though he totally doesn't.
Fuck this, it didn't help but at least maybe when I write my memoir,I can just draw on these blog entries and piece together my story more easily and accurately, especially since as of late, I am simply going through the motions of my days without much awareness.
Goodnight to all my little blog readers,
Until next time- thanks for reading another "peace" of Pandora.
-- Pandora <3
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Road less Traveled
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—.
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
Dream to Despair or Despair to Dream
The opposite of nightmare isn't dream, it's truth.
&
The opposite of dream is despair.
Disgust with Apartheid
South Africa produced The Group Areas act in 1950, which “allocates the residential land in white South Africa for the use of each racial group.” South African law dictated that no one may reside in a place other than his or her given group area , implementing severe segregation among the black and white South Africans. In 1991, the South African government began to repeal the land acts, which reserved some areas for white Africans and some for black Africans, and the group areas act, “the territorial or spatial arrangements of apartheid are slated to be demolished.” These official laws that are racist in intention do not even reflect the social and cultural oppression that rose out of the apartheid. The violence, disrespect, hatred and racism that raged against Black South Africans by the White South African Minority and government was appalling, alarming and a true example of an undemocratic government where the minority rules the majority.
The Western world began to give attention to South Africa and considered it a problem, but why? Grundy argues that “part of what made South African policies a global issue was that the country was swimming against the current of universal values…the South African government was beginning to systematize and rationalize the racial basis of its power and the rest of the world were declaring racism evil.” South Africa was also “on the agenda” for the United States especially as there was economic interest, between trade and over 350 major corporate investments; South Africa held an economic interest for the United States.
The United States efforts in ending South African apartheid were lackluster and disappointing. More was done on a civilian level, such as economic divestment by colleges and churches, than on a government level. “Despite its role as a world leader, the U.S until recently only played a secondary role in pressuring South Africa…this mounting opposition was not unidirectional. There were spells, under Nixon and Reagan, during which the U.S experiences major lapses…there had been a reticence to identify with Pretoria’s most vocal and militant enemies.” Grundy argues that due to the United State’s lackluster policies and lax attitude towards South African Apartheid, could reflect support in a sense, of the white dominated and supported government and the institution of apartheid itself.
Eventually, the Western world, including the US began a more uniform and pressured attempt to cease apartheid as an institution. Encouraging civilians not to travel to South Africa, urging people to break diplomatic ties, terminating international facilities for South African planes and ships, were just some of the security council’s policies implemented to end apartheid. In 1963, the Security Council passed the S.C Res 181, which called “for a ban on the sales of arms to South Africa.” The United States also took more individualized actions to show its rejection of apartheid by closing down their NASA defense port in Johannesburg and by not allowing “U.S Naval Vessels to berth in South Africa, or have their Naval sailors take shore leave in South African ports.”
Though Apartheid has ended in South Africa, its violence, poverty and deaths had eternal lasting effects on those who lived through the reign of white domination in which even the police endangered and killed black Africans. The United States lackluster attempt to aid Black South Africans and terminate apartheid as an institution only reveals two things, the economic and the racial factor. The economic factor clearly played a role in the interest and attention given to South Africa, especially due to the fact that other countries who face similar problems of racial segregation and violence such as Uganda, Lebanon and Cambodia, have not gained as much attention or aid. The race factor is that those other countries have mostly if not all entirely black populations. Seemingly, the white presence in South Africa and the economic trade it held for the United States played a huge role in the United States participation to end Apartheid.
There should have been a more major and severe economic divestment to weaken the government and display the United States rejection of apartheid. Though it is difficult to undo segregation, attempts should have been made early on by the U.S government to force the African government into signed legal documents permitting equal housing opportunities for all. Similarly, an employment act in which jobs were made available to all was needed. Violence also needed to be addressed, as the white police were no help, but rather an aid, to the killing of black South Africans. Police should have been discharged and imprisoned until trial for any racial based violence without probable cause.
U.S efforts could have been stronger, more unified and more demanding of the South African government, however the fact that the U.S was involved at all with South Africa and not with other crisis countries, such as Uganda and Cambodia and until recently, the Sudan, begs the question of where their priorities lie. Why does America get involved so late in the crisis, yet cry that it a crime against humanity…was it not a crime against humanity the moment it began? Though it is sometimes seen as out of place, for a foreign country to step in and declare that what one country is doing is wrong, the universal code of ethics needs to be upheld. If a country does not uphold these acts, they should be held responsible and accountable. Genocide should not be allowed by the U.S or anyone to go on as long as it did in the Sudan, before U.S involvement, and even now, the attempt is lackluster at best. A universal code of ethics of what every single person in the world is entitled to, needs to be written, agreed upon and signed and then aggressively upheld in order to ensure the right to live, which every man, woman and child, is entitled to. There needs to not just be an economic interest, or a reputation interest, but a genuine concern for the good and fairness for all humanity because only if people generally care, will policies be enforced and peace upheld.
The Western world began to give attention to South Africa and considered it a problem, but why? Grundy argues that “part of what made South African policies a global issue was that the country was swimming against the current of universal values…the South African government was beginning to systematize and rationalize the racial basis of its power and the rest of the world were declaring racism evil.” South Africa was also “on the agenda” for the United States especially as there was economic interest, between trade and over 350 major corporate investments; South Africa held an economic interest for the United States.
The United States efforts in ending South African apartheid were lackluster and disappointing. More was done on a civilian level, such as economic divestment by colleges and churches, than on a government level. “Despite its role as a world leader, the U.S until recently only played a secondary role in pressuring South Africa…this mounting opposition was not unidirectional. There were spells, under Nixon and Reagan, during which the U.S experiences major lapses…there had been a reticence to identify with Pretoria’s most vocal and militant enemies.” Grundy argues that due to the United State’s lackluster policies and lax attitude towards South African Apartheid, could reflect support in a sense, of the white dominated and supported government and the institution of apartheid itself.
Eventually, the Western world, including the US began a more uniform and pressured attempt to cease apartheid as an institution. Encouraging civilians not to travel to South Africa, urging people to break diplomatic ties, terminating international facilities for South African planes and ships, were just some of the security council’s policies implemented to end apartheid. In 1963, the Security Council passed the S.C Res 181, which called “for a ban on the sales of arms to South Africa.” The United States also took more individualized actions to show its rejection of apartheid by closing down their NASA defense port in Johannesburg and by not allowing “U.S Naval Vessels to berth in South Africa, or have their Naval sailors take shore leave in South African ports.”
Though Apartheid has ended in South Africa, its violence, poverty and deaths had eternal lasting effects on those who lived through the reign of white domination in which even the police endangered and killed black Africans. The United States lackluster attempt to aid Black South Africans and terminate apartheid as an institution only reveals two things, the economic and the racial factor. The economic factor clearly played a role in the interest and attention given to South Africa, especially due to the fact that other countries who face similar problems of racial segregation and violence such as Uganda, Lebanon and Cambodia, have not gained as much attention or aid. The race factor is that those other countries have mostly if not all entirely black populations. Seemingly, the white presence in South Africa and the economic trade it held for the United States played a huge role in the United States participation to end Apartheid.
There should have been a more major and severe economic divestment to weaken the government and display the United States rejection of apartheid. Though it is difficult to undo segregation, attempts should have been made early on by the U.S government to force the African government into signed legal documents permitting equal housing opportunities for all. Similarly, an employment act in which jobs were made available to all was needed. Violence also needed to be addressed, as the white police were no help, but rather an aid, to the killing of black South Africans. Police should have been discharged and imprisoned until trial for any racial based violence without probable cause.
U.S efforts could have been stronger, more unified and more demanding of the South African government, however the fact that the U.S was involved at all with South Africa and not with other crisis countries, such as Uganda and Cambodia and until recently, the Sudan, begs the question of where their priorities lie. Why does America get involved so late in the crisis, yet cry that it a crime against humanity…was it not a crime against humanity the moment it began? Though it is sometimes seen as out of place, for a foreign country to step in and declare that what one country is doing is wrong, the universal code of ethics needs to be upheld. If a country does not uphold these acts, they should be held responsible and accountable. Genocide should not be allowed by the U.S or anyone to go on as long as it did in the Sudan, before U.S involvement, and even now, the attempt is lackluster at best. A universal code of ethics of what every single person in the world is entitled to, needs to be written, agreed upon and signed and then aggressively upheld in order to ensure the right to live, which every man, woman and child, is entitled to. There needs to not just be an economic interest, or a reputation interest, but a genuine concern for the good and fairness for all humanity because only if people generally care, will policies be enforced and peace upheld.
As the Quiet Settles
Solitude sleeps soundly on my heart
And holding out an empty hang to you, I watch you look away
You place your back to me to paint
And I sit and watch as I reminisce of days more blissful
The epistemic of your cynicism is wearing thin
And in dubious solace I wonder if you even know what morale is
This heavy heart use to exist on hope alone
But a more substantial reason for beating is in require
I see your baffled eyes in the mirror
Unable to recognize even that of what is to be the most familiar
Man may be blind but you are the one who cannot see
Can you derive anything if you defy even the most basic of your senses?
I sit in patience as you paint
And watch you color the sky black
You place seven daisies in a row along the sea
And I smile in liking to your contentment
I have a silly urge to play like children
To splatter pink paint among your cheeks
But that time has passed
And longing is of the most wasteful now
The daisies are a sign of hope though, I think
I close my eyes for an instant in hope of rescue
But when I open my eyes again you are gone
And I see you've painted the daisies black.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Locate. Eviscerate. Annihilate
Eviscerate the very fiber of my being that weakens me to the point of my demise.
Locate, Eviscerate, Annihilate.
Watch the weakened organ wither slowly to it's demise, throbbing immensely at first,
& then
slowly, slowly it begins to fade. . .
Fade into a memory of what we used to be and never will become.
The Heights of greatness for which we were destined won't ever be reached due to reasons unexplained, unbeknownst, undiscovered.
But how will I survive, she wonders, if he takes my most vital organ?
How will I go on breathing, being?
Will I throw out the slept in sheets, never drive with the windows down again...
Will I cease to exist, to be...
will I cease to be without him?
There really is only one elucidation.
Locate, Eviscerate, Annihilate.
Destroy.
Train Tracks Across Your Back
Like Train Tracks trailed across your back
I trace my fingers along the scars
A path of welcomed torture
A Symbol of the embraced tenure
I trace my fingers in circles along the paths as you sleep
And wonder how we went so far so fast
So long a distance from a place of simplistic repartee
Of first kisses and school dances
I can't stop staring at the picture on your desk
In the frame you replaced of me with him
My eyes linger on his that are not on you
A blank stare into space in a photo devoid of reverence
I let the tears from my eyes slide slowly from my cheeks to your back
Hoping somehow the salty tears can heal the pain
Close the cuts
Erase the scars
but in my tear stained entanglement
I know my efforts are in a hopeless waste
You are his now as he has marked upon your skin
And I can never save you
You want him
And he reciprocates by possession and symbols
The Symbols he leaves across your skin
The marks and cuts he makes and can never take back
Train tracks cut across your back
And I cry
I cry and I try in a wasted attempt to wash them away
And take them all back
Take back the horrid train tracks marked in loathing across your back
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Forever Means For Now
In the absence of your virtue
I feel myself tumbling
In all directions, I am sailing
And I can't seem to keep myself centered in this truth
Taking Chances?
This is not a chance, it is a reality
A reality suffocating with flagrant solitude
A reality that chokes me cold and lonely
When you took everything away
And you did take everything away
The same day you walked away
I chose between the two
I chose and it was you
But then you didn't choose me too
And now I am here without you
Gasping for air, answers and reconciliation
Reaching out to no ones hand with meaningless unreturned anticipation
I find myself staying up days and nights in cycles
Simply so I don't have to close my eyes and see your face dancing behind my eyelids
And I find myself immersed in meaningless tasks to try and forget your smile
Your eyes, Your Words, Your Touch
That perfect touch...
But mostly I find myself wishing
Wishing so very much
That I was good enough for you
Or in the very least, enough.
Auxesia
Oh Little Auxesia
You always were a self-determined one
The Kind of child even parent's fear
Fear of being unable to satisfy the sort of hunger that no sustenance can claim
I remember I used to lay my head to your chest and listen to the rhythmic beating
like the soft pitter patter of the rain
I remember watching you as you painted your face in blues and pinks
and wore shoes so high
I remember clinging to you in the night as terrors crept into my dreams
I remember your soothing lullaby
I think often of the smile you would place in order to sooth my discomfort
and the cookie you would sneak upstairs for a special treat
I remember finding you there
Dried blood underneath your nose
The Window open
With small swift wind breathing the air you no longer would
And I remember my screaming.
The sound will echo through the deepest chamber of my soul for all eternity.
And now I watch as mother holds you
Screaming and clutching as though the tighter she holds, the more likely it is you can return to us
But we always knew you would do this didn't we?
We always knew the end would come for you when you decided .
Self determined Auxesia.
I watch you lay to rest now
A chain of red marks bruise your neck
And as a tear rolls down my cheek
I look at your small hands and wonder who has painted your nails.
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